The Big Book of Lies

It's not big and it's not a book

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  • Credit where Credit is Due

    With thanks and credit to Monty Python and The Hackenthorpe Book of Lies (p.74, The Brand New Monty Python Bok), which amused me immensely as a teenager and eventually helped inspire the site you are reading now. Not an ENTIRELY wasted youth then.

Archive for December, 2009

A Short Break

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 13, 2009

The Big Book of Lies’ editorial team has been away, unexpectedly called to hunt starfish in Guatemala. We’re now back – bruised, bloodied but unbowed – and normal service will resume tomorrow. We thank you.

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Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a Comment »

The Most Intelligent Animal

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 10, 2009

goldfish

Goldfish are now essential members of any scientific team

The most intelligent species of animal is the goldfish.

With a brain only slightly smaller than a human’s, the fish is noted for its highly sophisticated social structure and ability to learn. In the wild, goldfish live in communal groups, each individual building a sturdy nest for itself.

In California, scientists have successfully taught goldfish to recognise over three hundred words, and many of them are now working with NASA on the planned manned trips to Mars.

Posted in Facts and Figures, Nature | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The World’s Best Policeman

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 10, 2009

Baby Policeman

Charles Ballard is admired the world over

The world’s most decorated police officer is Charles Ballard, a seven month old baby from Bury, England.

Ballard has become respected for showing a maturity, intelligence and sense of decency rarely found in the police force, and has been awarded over twenty seven medals, citations and tankards by his superiors, council leaders, right wing tabloids and rehabilitated offenders.

Ballard is especially proud of the fact that under his watch, only twelve prisoners have mysteriously died in the cells.

Posted in Crime, Facts and Figures, World Records | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The Most Popular Names of 2008

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 8, 2009

British youth

Cecil, Timmy and Scrotum discuss philosophy

The most popular children’s names in Britain during 2008 were:

Boys: Gervase, Cecil, Chavvy, Igor and Ignatious
Girls: Gertrude, Fritzl, Tracie-Kerry-Kylie-Beyonce, Ethel and Tart

This is the first time since 1974 that Troll has dropped out of the top five for both sexes. However, cultural historian Fifi Maleria-Jones commented that the ever-popular traditional British name was sure to make a comeback in a few years.

Posted in Facts and Figures, National Trends | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Ikea and the Vikings

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 8, 2009

Viking Boat

The first flat pack Viking boat


Ikea first opened in 710 in Sweden, and became instantly popular with neighbouring Vikings, who enjoyed the convenience of flat-packed raiding ships that came with a variety of interchangeable mastheads.

Posted in Facts and Figures, History | Tagged: , | Leave a Comment »

The Longest Novel

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 7, 2009

Night of the Crabs

Guy N. Smith's literary masterpiece

The longest novel ever written is Guy N. Smith’s Night of the Crabs, which was first published in 1976 at 7,659 pages long. While hailed as a literary masterpiece, the novel’s dense language, intricate plot twists and relentless levels of sex and violence (one death scene runs for over three hundred pages) proved too much for many readers.
Smith later relented, and produced a shorter version of the book for more simple-minded readers, and this became a standard text for schools in the 1980s.

Posted in Facts and Figures, Horror, Literature, World Records | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Action Man treated as a God

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 7, 2009

Action Man Nazi

Action Man - the New God

The Watabudi tribe in Africa worship a vintage 1970’s Action Man doll, who is dressed as a Nazi Stormtrooper. No one knows how the collectable figure arrived there, but the cult is showing signs of spreading across the world.

Posted in Facts and Figures, Folklore & Superstition, Places, Religion, World Events | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The Weekly Round Up

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 6, 2009

Catch up on any amazing non-facts you might have missed!

Bananas – the silent killer

The Biggest Ever Gig

Famous First Drafts

Giant Lizards vs New York

Latvian Old Schoolers

Norah Jones and Ivor the Engine

Nosferatu was part of the British Government

The Pope is a Former Male Stripper

The Royal Family are Aliens

Something for the Weekend

The Tinky Winky BBC Massacre

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Something for the Weekend – a bumper collection of mini-lies

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 5, 2009

* Bankers work hard and deserve every penny they get

* Politicians only have your best interests at heart

* British television is the best in the world

* Religious groups promote tolerance and understanding

* Everyone loves football and is really excited about the World Cup

* Mark Kermode is Britain’s best film critic

* Fighting the war in Afghanistan reduces the threat of terrorist attacks back home

* Simon Cowell is the saviour of music

* Daily Mail readers are a tolerant, considered group

* Stephen King is a lazy slacker

Posted in Art and Culture, Celebrity, Facts and Figures, Film and TV, Music, National Trends, Politics, Religion, World Events | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Nosferatu Was Part Of The British Government

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 4, 2009

 

Graf Orlak

Graf Orlak lives on the blood of the innocent

Vampire Graf Orlok – thought by many to be a non de plume for Count Dracula – served in Britain’s Conservative government throughout the 1980s.  The Nosferatu was one of Prime Minsister Margaret Thatcher’s most trusted aides, and would ruthlessly despatch dissenters in the government, many of whom would emerge from meetings with Orlak looking pale and drawn, their arguments suddenly replaced by unquestioning obedience and the desire to eat flies.

Orlak was a controversial figure, no more so than when he told the unemployed to ‘get on your bikes and cycle up to my Castle in Transylvania after dark’. In 1987, he was attacked by vampire hunters, who managed to impale him on a wooden stake; however, before they could cut off his head and stuff garlic in his mouth, he was rescued by police officers – the police force being his most ardent supporters.

After this attack, Orlak retired from politics and moved to Bournemeouth, where he lives quietly (although neighbours have complained about plagues of rats and missing children since his arrival).

Posted in Celebrity, Death, Horror, Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »