The Big Book of Lies

It's not big and it's not a book

  • TIRED OF THE TRUTH?

    Impress your friends and startle your enemies with a never-ending* series of incredible facts, figures and news reports, all of which are COMPLETELY UNTRUE! Why waste time on the truth when complete rubbish is so much more interesting?

    We update DAILY* so come back and bone up on the latest in complete and utter bollocks regularly!

    * - this may also be a lie.

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  • Credit where Credit is Due

    With thanks and credit to Monty Python and The Hackenthorpe Book of Lies (p.74, The Brand New Monty Python Bok), which amused me immensely as a teenager and eventually helped inspire the site you are reading now. Not an ENTIRELY wasted youth then.

Archive for the ‘Celebrity’ Category

Arthur St John Bodysnatcher Released from Prison

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on November 6, 2011

St John Bodysnatcher, watched over by prison guard 'Brutus'.

Big Book of Lies founder Arthur St John Bodysnatcher is at last free after spending 18 months in a Bolivian prison, having been falsely convicted of running a bare knuckle ocelot fighting ring. Kept under 24 hour guard to prevent his escape or possibly spreading eruditeness throughout the prison, St John Bodysnatcher was unable to communicate with Jabber Grimshaw and pass him the closely guarded Book of Lies password – also, as a functional illiterate and leading Mason, Grimshaw was incapable of maintaining the site in any case.

While still recovering from his ordeal, St John Bodysnatcher would like to assure his female admirers that he is determined to not allow this setback to slow him down, and is even now making plans for new, more extravagant lies, possibly performed live over the summer at top skiffle events.

Posted in Bad Wisdom Info, Celebrity, Crime, World Events | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Portugal’s Favourite Film

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on July 23, 2010

One in seven Portuguese people have seen Lord of the G-Strings

The most successful film at the Portuguese box office is the historical epic Lord of the G-Strings – The Femaleship of the String, directed in 2003 by Terry West. Praised for its documentary realism and epic battle scenes, the film struck a particular chord with the audiences of Lisbon, where the film played continually for over over four years, with star Misty Mundae being a regular guest on local TV quiz shows.

Posted in Art and Culture, Celebrity, Film and TV, Sexuality, World Records | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The World’s Sexiest Woman

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on July 22, 2010

Hylda Baker, Sex Goddess

Actress and pop star Hylda Baker has topped FHM’s 100 Sexiest Women in the World list for the third year running. This is despite her dying in 1986.

Posted in Celebrity, Facts and Figures, Film and TV, Music, Sexuality | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

Mass Murder Live on British TV

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on July 22, 2010

Geoffrey is caught on camera as he bludgeons his co-stars

In 1987, Rainbow presenter Geoffrey snapped during a live TV broadcast, and bludgeoned his co-stars Zippy, George and Bungle, as well as platinum-selling musical combo Rod, Jane and Freddie, before finally turning the hammer on himself. No reason has ever been given for the killings, which remained Britain’s worst children’s TV-related murder incident until the infamous Tinky Winky massacre ten years later.

The footage is now a popular staple on bloopers shows.

Posted in Celebrity, Crime, Film and TV | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

We Have Returned!

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on July 22, 2010

Arthur St John Bodysnatcher is escorted to prison by four burly Siberian guards

It’s been some months since the last Big Book of Lies entry, and we feel that you are owed an explanation. It’s a dark and sordid tale…

In January, Big Book of Lies founder Arthur St John Bodysnatcher was arrested by police on the Turkish / Australian border, as he heroically attempted to smuggle fifty politically oppressed Marmosets out of Brazil. Sentenced to 427 years in prison, he found himself captive in a Siberian hellhole, where he survived by teaching inmates how to build working models of Brian Blessed from mashed potatoes and sweat. He also trained a local eagle to carry a message to Lies co-founder Jabber Grimshaw, who immediately began work on a tunnel that would stretch from Lies HQ in Scunthorpe to the walls of St John Bodysnatcher’s cell.

This task was completed in July, and our heroes sprang to freedom (though sadly, the fate of the Marmosets remains unknown). After a stiff cup of tea, St John Bodysnatcher declared that his important educational work found here should continue. And so it shall. Stay tuned for more amazing facts and figures, all entirely inaccurate.

Posted in Bad Wisdom Info, Celebrity, Places, World Events | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Something for the Weekend – a bumper collection of mini-lies

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 5, 2009

* Bankers work hard and deserve every penny they get

* Politicians only have your best interests at heart

* British television is the best in the world

* Religious groups promote tolerance and understanding

* Everyone loves football and is really excited about the World Cup

* Mark Kermode is Britain’s best film critic

* Fighting the war in Afghanistan reduces the threat of terrorist attacks back home

* Simon Cowell is the saviour of music

* Daily Mail readers are a tolerant, considered group

* Stephen King is a lazy slacker

Posted in Art and Culture, Celebrity, Facts and Figures, Film and TV, Music, National Trends, Politics, Religion, World Events | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Nosferatu Was Part Of The British Government

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 4, 2009

 

Graf Orlak

Graf Orlak lives on the blood of the innocent

Vampire Graf Orlok – thought by many to be a non de plume for Count Dracula – served in Britain’s Conservative government throughout the 1980s.  The Nosferatu was one of Prime Minsister Margaret Thatcher’s most trusted aides, and would ruthlessly despatch dissenters in the government, many of whom would emerge from meetings with Orlak looking pale and drawn, their arguments suddenly replaced by unquestioning obedience and the desire to eat flies.

Orlak was a controversial figure, no more so than when he told the unemployed to ‘get on your bikes and cycle up to my Castle in Transylvania after dark’. In 1987, he was attacked by vampire hunters, who managed to impale him on a wooden stake; however, before they could cut off his head and stuff garlic in his mouth, he was rescued by police officers – the police force being his most ardent supporters.

After this attack, Orlak retired from politics and moved to Bournemeouth, where he lives quietly (although neighbours have complained about plagues of rats and missing children since his arrival).

Posted in Celebrity, Death, Horror, Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The Pope Is A Former Male Stripper

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 4, 2009

Chippendales

The Pope (right) with former colleagues

Pope Benedict XVI is a former Chippendales dancer.

During the late 1970’s and 1980’s, Pope Benedict  – real name Joseph Ratzinger – danced under the name ‘Stallion’ with the popular US-based male strip troupe, performing across the world. In a 1987 interview, he boasted of bedding over 1000 women in an interview for Playgirl, where he was also photographed nude.

He was fired from the group in 1989, after a hardcore gay porn film came to light, featuring the future Pope as Johnny Thruster. Although he denied the actor shown was him, the scandal cost him his job.

After an unsuccessful acting career under the name Joey Ratz, he eventually drifted into the Catholic church in 1992, attracted by the gaudy costumes.

Posted in Celebrity, Religion, Sexuality | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Norah Jones and Ivor the Engine

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 3, 2009

Ivor the Engine

Jones the Steam was shocked when Mrs Portly abandoned their child in a basket at the station

Singer Norah Jones is the daughter of famous animated character Jones the Steam, best known for his role in popular documentary series Ivor the Engine. She grew up in the cartoon Welsh village of Merioneth and Llantisilly, where her father worked for the local railway station.

She is the result of a torrid affair between Jones and company owner Mrs Portly – who refused to have anything to do with the child – and first learnt her craft at the knee of local songmeister Evans the Song.

Posted in Celebrity, Film and TV, Places | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The Tinky Winky BBC Massacre

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 2, 2009

Tinky Winky on the rampage

Tinky Winky was a gun-obsessed coke fiend

The worst massacre in the bloody history of children’s television came in 1997, when Teletubby Tinky Winky went on a PCP-fuelled rampage, killing six and injuring dozens more.

The masscare began when it was announced that the Teletubbies TV series was to be cancelled. Tinky Winky, who in addition to having a serious cocaine habit was known as a ‘gun nut’ and loose cannon, began to panic about how he would pay for his expensive lifestyle and huge gambling debts, believing that the successful series had effectively typecast him.

After a day of drinking and drug-taking, the deranged Tubby entered the BBC’s headquarters and opened fire at random. Ironically, among those killed was the now-retired Andy Pandy, who was at the studios to be interviewed for an episode of World’s Greatest Wooden Puppets, and who was one of Tinky Winky’s idols.

Eventually, after a five hour standoff with police, Tinky Winky took his own life. The case later led to new government legislation that banned furry children’s TV characters from owning handguns.

Posted in Celebrity, Crime, Death, Film and TV, World Events | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »