The Big Book of Lies

It's not big and it's not a book

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    Impress your friends and startle your enemies with a never-ending* series of incredible facts, figures and news reports, all of which are COMPLETELY UNTRUE! Why waste time on the truth when complete rubbish is so much more interesting?

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  • Credit where Credit is Due

    With thanks and credit to Monty Python and The Hackenthorpe Book of Lies (p.74, The Brand New Monty Python Bok), which amused me immensely as a teenager and eventually helped inspire the site you are reading now. Not an ENTIRELY wasted youth then.

Archive for the ‘Crime’ Category

Arthur St John Bodysnatcher Released from Prison

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on November 6, 2011

St John Bodysnatcher, watched over by prison guard 'Brutus'.

Big Book of Lies founder Arthur St John Bodysnatcher is at last free after spending 18 months in a Bolivian prison, having been falsely convicted of running a bare knuckle ocelot fighting ring. Kept under 24 hour guard to prevent his escape or possibly spreading eruditeness throughout the prison, St John Bodysnatcher was unable to communicate with Jabber Grimshaw and pass him the closely guarded Book of Lies password – also, as a functional illiterate and leading Mason, Grimshaw was incapable of maintaining the site in any case.

While still recovering from his ordeal, St John Bodysnatcher would like to assure his female admirers that he is determined to not allow this setback to slow him down, and is even now making plans for new, more extravagant lies, possibly performed live over the summer at top skiffle events.

Posted in Bad Wisdom Info, Celebrity, Crime, World Events | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Mass Murder Live on British TV

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on July 22, 2010

Geoffrey is caught on camera as he bludgeons his co-stars

In 1987, Rainbow presenter Geoffrey snapped during a live TV broadcast, and bludgeoned his co-stars Zippy, George and Bungle, as well as platinum-selling musical combo Rod, Jane and Freddie, before finally turning the hammer on himself. No reason has ever been given for the killings, which remained Britain’s worst children’s TV-related murder incident until the infamous Tinky Winky massacre ten years later.

The footage is now a popular staple on bloopers shows.

Posted in Celebrity, Crime, Film and TV | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The World’s Best Policeman

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 10, 2009

Baby Policeman

Charles Ballard is admired the world over

The world’s most decorated police officer is Charles Ballard, a seven month old baby from Bury, England.

Ballard has become respected for showing a maturity, intelligence and sense of decency rarely found in the police force, and has been awarded over twenty seven medals, citations and tankards by his superiors, council leaders, right wing tabloids and rehabilitated offenders.

Ballard is especially proud of the fact that under his watch, only twelve prisoners have mysteriously died in the cells.

Posted in Crime, Facts and Figures, World Records | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The Tinky Winky BBC Massacre

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 2, 2009

Tinky Winky on the rampage

Tinky Winky was a gun-obsessed coke fiend

The worst massacre in the bloody history of children’s television came in 1997, when Teletubby Tinky Winky went on a PCP-fuelled rampage, killing six and injuring dozens more.

The masscare began when it was announced that the Teletubbies TV series was to be cancelled. Tinky Winky, who in addition to having a serious cocaine habit was known as a ‘gun nut’ and loose cannon, began to panic about how he would pay for his expensive lifestyle and huge gambling debts, believing that the successful series had effectively typecast him.

After a day of drinking and drug-taking, the deranged Tubby entered the BBC’s headquarters and opened fire at random. Ironically, among those killed was the now-retired Andy Pandy, who was at the studios to be interviewed for an episode of World’s Greatest Wooden Puppets, and who was one of Tinky Winky’s idols.

Eventually, after a five hour standoff with police, Tinky Winky took his own life. The case later led to new government legislation that banned furry children’s TV characters from owning handguns.

Posted in Celebrity, Crime, Death, Film and TV, World Events | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Bananas – the Silent Killer

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 1, 2009

Deadly Bananas

Bananas are the new weapon of choice for criminal gangs

Bananas are the world’s deadliest fruit.

The lethal fruit is favoured by Brazilian street gangs who use it to stab their victims, and its use has recently begun to spread across the world. The banana is popular not only for its lethal sharp ends and ergonomic nature, but also because  eating the banana often destroys all evidence of a crime, while the slippery skin can be used to slow down persuading law-enforcement officers.

Several attempts have been made to outlaw the sale of bananas, but only in Britain – where the fruit is illegal to sell to under 18’s and where the carrying of concealed bananas can result in three years in prison – has this been at all successful, thanks to a vocal and politically powerful Banana lobby.

Posted in Crime, Death, Food and Drink, National Trends | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The Origins of Cockney Speak

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on November 29, 2009

pearly king and queen

Cockernis had a primitive facination with shiny objects

Cockney Rhyming Slang was invented in 1974 by the CIA as a way of transmitting coded messages to agents across the world.

It was based loosely on the lost native language of the Cockerni tribe of East London, a small and inbred group of proto-humans that thrived in the Bronze Age. Cockernis were noted for their peculiar forms of native dance, which they would break into at the drop of a wallet, and their fascination for adorning their bodies with shiny beads and pebbles (or ‘pearls’ as they called them). The tribe was ruled over by a King and Queen, who were more often than not both brother and sister and husband and wife, and survived for many centuries before being wiped out in a violent civil war.

Posted in Crime, Folklore & Superstition, History | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Britain’s Worst Serial Killer

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on November 27, 2009

Georeg Formby, Britain's worst serial killer

One, Two, Formby's Coming For You...

Britain’s most notorious serial killer is George Formby, the Lancashire Slasher. Over a thirty year period, Formby carried out at least fifty murders, using a metal pipe that he would sinisterly call his “little stick of Blackpool rock”.

Formby used his job as a window cleaner to select his victims, spying on them to see if they were alone before breaking in and murdering them in their beds.

Most disturbing is the fact that Formby became a successful recording artist, and would make subtle references to his crimes within his songs. It was only when he released the rather too obvious I Am the Lancashire Slasher that he was apprehended.

In court, he blamed his crimes on a mysterious Chinaman named Mr Wu, who only he could see or hear. This defence was initially rejected, but after conviction, Formby’s mental state deteriorated, and he was confined to Broadmoor, where he still lives, aged 105.

Posted in Celebrity, Crime, Facts and Figures, Horror, Music | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

One Eyed Monsters

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on November 25, 2009

You looking at me?

Both British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and right wing BNP leader Nick Griffin lost an eye while engaged in the dangerous and illegal sport of marmoset wrestling. The sport was outlawed in 1977 after a series of underground ‘marmo-fight’ clubs were uncovered in Wales, where Brown and Griffin were living in a squat together, fighting for money to support their egg habits.

Posted in Crime, Nature, Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »