The Big Book of Lies

It's not big and it's not a book

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    Impress your friends and startle your enemies with a never-ending* series of incredible facts, figures and news reports, all of which are COMPLETELY UNTRUE! Why waste time on the truth when complete rubbish is so much more interesting?

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  • Credit where Credit is Due

    With thanks and credit to Monty Python and The Hackenthorpe Book of Lies (p.74, The Brand New Monty Python Bok), which amused me immensely as a teenager and eventually helped inspire the site you are reading now. Not an ENTIRELY wasted youth then.

Archive for the ‘Places’ Category

We Have Returned!

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on July 22, 2010

Arthur St John Bodysnatcher is escorted to prison by four burly Siberian guards

It’s been some months since the last Big Book of Lies entry, and we feel that you are owed an explanation. It’s a dark and sordid tale…

In January, Big Book of Lies founder Arthur St John Bodysnatcher was arrested by police on the Turkish / Australian border, as he heroically attempted to smuggle fifty politically oppressed Marmosets out of Brazil. Sentenced to 427 years in prison, he found himself captive in a Siberian hellhole, where he survived by teaching inmates how to build working models of Brian Blessed from mashed potatoes and sweat. He also trained a local eagle to carry a message to Lies co-founder Jabber Grimshaw, who immediately began work on a tunnel that would stretch from Lies HQ in Scunthorpe to the walls of St John Bodysnatcher’s cell.

This task was completed in July, and our heroes sprang to freedom (though sadly, the fate of the Marmosets remains unknown). After a stiff cup of tea, St John Bodysnatcher declared that his important educational work found here should continue. And so it shall. Stay tuned for more amazing facts and figures, all entirely inaccurate.

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Posted in Bad Wisdom Info, Celebrity, Places, World Events | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Action Man treated as a God

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 7, 2009

Action Man Nazi

Action Man - the New God

The Watabudi tribe in Africa worship a vintage 1970’s Action Man doll, who is dressed as a Nazi Stormtrooper. No one knows how the collectable figure arrived there, but the cult is showing signs of spreading across the world.

Posted in Facts and Figures, Folklore & Superstition, Places, Religion, World Events | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Norah Jones and Ivor the Engine

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 3, 2009

Ivor the Engine

Jones the Steam was shocked when Mrs Portly abandoned their child in a basket at the station

Singer Norah Jones is the daughter of famous animated character Jones the Steam, best known for his role in popular documentary series Ivor the Engine. She grew up in the cartoon Welsh village of Merioneth and Llantisilly, where her father worked for the local railway station.

She is the result of a torrid affair between Jones and company owner Mrs Portly – who refused to have anything to do with the child – and first learnt her craft at the knee of local songmeister Evans the Song.

Posted in Celebrity, Film and TV, Places | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Latvian Old Schoolers

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 2, 2009

Latvian Schoolboy

Uniforms are compulsory throughout the Latvian school system

To combat a fall in educational standards, the school leaving age in Latvia was recently raised to 45.

Posted in Facts and Figures, National Trends, Places | Tagged: , , | Leave a Comment »

Cannibalism in Bolivia

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on November 29, 2009

Cannibalism in Bolivia

Bolivia's cannibal feasts are family affairs

Cannibalism remains legal in Bolivia, and is often used to settle family disputes. Each year, the nation celebrates The Feast of Anthropophagy, where – during a three day public holiday – the sick and the elderly are consumed in huge street parties that have become popular tourist attractions.

Posted in Facts and Figures, Folklore & Superstition, Horror, National Trends, Places, Religion, World Events | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Morris Dancers in Myth and Legend

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on November 25, 2009

Morris Dancers performing a pagan ritual

Morris Dancers were said to gather in small villages to search for puppies

There are numerous tales in English folklore and traditions surrounding the mythical creatures known as Morris Dancers.

In Devon, it is illegal to disembowel a Morris Dancer between the hours of 3pm and 7pm, except on public holidays.

In Cornwall, you may legally shoot a Morris Dancer should he knock at your door and demand four Garibaldi biscuits.

In London, it is said that should a pregnant woman see a Morris Dancer eating a banana fritter, she will give birth to a three-headed baby.

In Exeter, Morris Dancing is banned under pain of torture. Thanks to poor wording, this law also extends to anyone named Morris who is found dancing.

Superstition claims that Morris Dancers will steal first-born puppies for unholy sacrifices where they will summon up the Lord of the Dance on St Swithin’s Day. Even now, dog breeders will try to avoid mating with their dogs in the months before, should the birth occur around this time.

However, in recent years, the Morrismen Defence League (MDL) has tried to counter such claims, and is pressuring the government to enact a Morris Rights Law that will see the cult accepted as an authentic religion.

Posted in Folklore & Superstition, Places, Religion | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

World’s Tallest Building

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on November 25, 2009

Earth, as seen from the top of the Ginster Tower

The view from the top floor is impressive

Completed in 1955, the tallest building in the world is located in the English town of Oldham. The Ginster Tower stands eleventeen thousand feet tall, and it takes three days for the elevator to reach the top floor, where pressure suits, oxygen masks and weighted shoes are required – this floor is currently home to HSBC’s customer complaints department, where face-to-face enquiries are dealt with. At present, the elevator is out of order (having broken down in 1956) and staff on the higher floors now reside there permanently, breeding new generations of feral subhumans who communicate with the outside world only through computer-generated form letters and final demands.

The building is a popular landmark  and tourist attraction in Oldham, and has featured on the local currency (the Groat), although some locals complain that it is a filthy eyesore since the cleaning contract with NASA expired in 1987. It is also a favourite suicide hotspot, with approximately 167, 503 people having killed themselves by jumping from various floors.

Posted in Death, Facts and Figures, Places, World Records | Tagged: , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »