The Big Book of Lies

It's not big and it's not a book

  • TIRED OF THE TRUTH?

    Impress your friends and startle your enemies with a never-ending* series of incredible facts, figures and news reports, all of which are COMPLETELY UNTRUE! Why waste time on the truth when complete rubbish is so much more interesting?

    We update DAILY* so come back and bone up on the latest in complete and utter bollocks regularly!

    * - this may also be a lie.

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  • Credit where Credit is Due

    With thanks and credit to Monty Python and The Hackenthorpe Book of Lies (p.74, The Brand New Monty Python Bok), which amused me immensely as a teenager and eventually helped inspire the site you are reading now. Not an ENTIRELY wasted youth then.

Archive for the ‘World Events’ Category

Arthur St John Bodysnatcher Released from Prison

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on November 6, 2011

St John Bodysnatcher, watched over by prison guard 'Brutus'.

Big Book of Lies founder Arthur St John Bodysnatcher is at last free after spending 18 months in a Bolivian prison, having been falsely convicted of running a bare knuckle ocelot fighting ring. Kept under 24 hour guard to prevent his escape or possibly spreading eruditeness throughout the prison, St John Bodysnatcher was unable to communicate with Jabber Grimshaw and pass him the closely guarded Book of Lies password – also, as a functional illiterate and leading Mason, Grimshaw was incapable of maintaining the site in any case.

While still recovering from his ordeal, St John Bodysnatcher would like to assure his female admirers that he is determined to not allow this setback to slow him down, and is even now making plans for new, more extravagant lies, possibly performed live over the summer at top skiffle events.

Posted in Bad Wisdom Info, Celebrity, Crime, World Events | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

We Have Returned!

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on July 22, 2010

Arthur St John Bodysnatcher is escorted to prison by four burly Siberian guards

It’s been some months since the last Big Book of Lies entry, and we feel that you are owed an explanation. It’s a dark and sordid tale…

In January, Big Book of Lies founder Arthur St John Bodysnatcher was arrested by police on the Turkish / Australian border, as he heroically attempted to smuggle fifty politically oppressed Marmosets out of Brazil. Sentenced to 427 years in prison, he found himself captive in a Siberian hellhole, where he survived by teaching inmates how to build working models of Brian Blessed from mashed potatoes and sweat. He also trained a local eagle to carry a message to Lies co-founder Jabber Grimshaw, who immediately began work on a tunnel that would stretch from Lies HQ in Scunthorpe to the walls of St John Bodysnatcher’s cell.

This task was completed in July, and our heroes sprang to freedom (though sadly, the fate of the Marmosets remains unknown). After a stiff cup of tea, St John Bodysnatcher declared that his important educational work found here should continue. And so it shall. Stay tuned for more amazing facts and figures, all entirely inaccurate.

Posted in Bad Wisdom Info, Celebrity, Places, World Events | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Facebook Wants Your Babies!

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on January 14, 2010

Satan Loves Facebook

Satan - the CEO of Facebook

Facebook fans should sign up to our new group, helping prevent the site from enacting it’s new sinister plans.

Starting this summer, Facebook – headed by Satan – will start charging people $100 a day JUST FOR OWNING A COMPUTER! They will also be demanding the sacrifice all all first born children to their God Cthulhu and be setting up death camps for all Myspace, Bebo and Twitter users.

The Big Book of Bad Wisdom has exclusive information that Facebook is in fact run by Satan, who is working in collaboration with Venusian invaders determined to enslave humanity. However, if a mere one billion people join this group, the slimy invaders will rethink their plans, and Satan will relinquish his hold on your soul – and, more importantly, not charge you to throw virtual sheep at people.

Sign up here

Posted in Art and Culture, Folklore & Superstition, Technology, World Events | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Action Man treated as a God

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 7, 2009

Action Man Nazi

Action Man - the New God

The Watabudi tribe in Africa worship a vintage 1970’s Action Man doll, who is dressed as a Nazi Stormtrooper. No one knows how the collectable figure arrived there, but the cult is showing signs of spreading across the world.

Posted in Facts and Figures, Folklore & Superstition, Places, Religion, World Events | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Something for the Weekend – a bumper collection of mini-lies

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 5, 2009

* Bankers work hard and deserve every penny they get

* Politicians only have your best interests at heart

* British television is the best in the world

* Religious groups promote tolerance and understanding

* Everyone loves football and is really excited about the World Cup

* Mark Kermode is Britain’s best film critic

* Fighting the war in Afghanistan reduces the threat of terrorist attacks back home

* Simon Cowell is the saviour of music

* Daily Mail readers are a tolerant, considered group

* Stephen King is a lazy slacker

Posted in Art and Culture, Celebrity, Facts and Figures, Film and TV, Music, National Trends, Politics, Religion, World Events | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The Tinky Winky BBC Massacre

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 2, 2009

Tinky Winky on the rampage

Tinky Winky was a gun-obsessed coke fiend

The worst massacre in the bloody history of children’s television came in 1997, when Teletubby Tinky Winky went on a PCP-fuelled rampage, killing six and injuring dozens more.

The masscare began when it was announced that the Teletubbies TV series was to be cancelled. Tinky Winky, who in addition to having a serious cocaine habit was known as a ‘gun nut’ and loose cannon, began to panic about how he would pay for his expensive lifestyle and huge gambling debts, believing that the successful series had effectively typecast him.

After a day of drinking and drug-taking, the deranged Tubby entered the BBC’s headquarters and opened fire at random. Ironically, among those killed was the now-retired Andy Pandy, who was at the studios to be interviewed for an episode of World’s Greatest Wooden Puppets, and who was one of Tinky Winky’s idols.

Eventually, after a five hour standoff with police, Tinky Winky took his own life. The case later led to new government legislation that banned furry children’s TV characters from owning handguns.

Posted in Celebrity, Crime, Death, Film and TV, World Events | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Cannibalism in Bolivia

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on November 29, 2009

Cannibalism in Bolivia

Bolivia's cannibal feasts are family affairs

Cannibalism remains legal in Bolivia, and is often used to settle family disputes. Each year, the nation celebrates The Feast of Anthropophagy, where – during a three day public holiday – the sick and the elderly are consumed in huge street parties that have become popular tourist attractions.

Posted in Facts and Figures, Folklore & Superstition, Horror, National Trends, Places, Religion, World Events | Tagged: , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Gorilla Wins Booker Prize

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on November 27, 2009

Woodrow Davis, award-winning author

Mr Davis is one of our most exciting new writers

The 2009 Booker Prize was won by Woodrow Davis, a 27 year old Western Lowland Gorilla, currently living in Ealing. Mr Davis’ book, The Silent Recoil, is a searingly honest, semi-autobiographical piece that  combines scenes from his childhood with a stinging critique of the Iraq war.

Mr Davis is the brother of artist Trevor Davis, who last year was a Turner Prize finalist with his work Bed of Leaves, Bamboo Shoots and Lots of Excrement.

Posted in Art and Culture, Nature, World Events | Tagged: , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

President Mouse

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on November 25, 2009

The First Family of Bavaria

The First Family of Bavaria

The President of Bavaria is a mouse named Stan, who has held the position for twelve years.

Posted in Facts and Figures, Nature, Politics, World Events | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

Mexicans Love Crass

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on November 25, 2009

Crass - the choice of Mexican youth

Big in Mexico

The biggest selling record in Mexico is 1982 release How Does it Feel to be the Mother of a Thousand Dead – a tribute to Margaret Thatcher by anarcho-punk pioneers Crass, which sold over 10 million copies, keeping it in the charts for over two years (7 months at number one). The band made 73 appearances on top rated music show Basura de Pop para cretinos, which was broadcast 4 times a day to the pop-mad nation. However, Mexico’s biggest music act remains Toad the Wet Sprocket, who have sold over 200 million records so far.

Posted in Facts and Figures, Music, World Events | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »