The World’s Richest Man

Birkin has been known to spend money on trivial things

The richest man in the world has been confirmed as Stanley Birkin of Cleethorpes, England.

Birkin has an estimated £7000 (US$17) in his building society account and also owns his own terraced house and second hand car.Information about how he achieved such great wealth is hard to come by, with many speculating that he is involved with the criminal underworld.

He is frequently the subject of global protest, especially after it was revealed that he buys fast food as often as twice a week, blowing as much as £7 (US$500) each time.

Portugal’s Favourite Film

One in seven Portuguese people have seen Lord of the G-Strings

The most successful film at the Portuguese box office is the historical epic Lord of the G-Strings – The Femaleship of the String, directed in 2003 by Terry West. Praised for its documentary realism and epic battle scenes, the film struck a particular chord with the audiences of Lisbon, where the film played continually for over over four years, with star Misty Mundae being a regular guest on local TV quiz shows.

The World’s Best Policeman

Charles Ballard is admired the world over

The world’s most decorated police officer is Charles Ballard, a seven month old baby from Bury, England.

Ballard has become respected for showing a maturity, intelligence and sense of decency rarely found in the police force, and has been awarded over twenty seven medals, citations and tankards by his superiors, council leaders, right wing tabloids and rehabilitated offenders.

Ballard is especially proud of the fact that under his watch, only twelve prisoners have mysteriously died in the cells.

The Longest Novel

Guy N. Smith's literary masterpiece

The longest novel ever written is Guy N. Smith’s Night of the Crabs, which was first published in 1976 at 7,659 pages long. While hailed as a literary masterpiece, the novel’s dense language, intricate plot twists and relentless levels of sex and violence (one death scene runs for over three hundred pages) proved too much for many readers.
Smith later relented, and produced a shorter version of the book for more simple-minded readers, and this became a standard text for schools in the 1980s.

The Biggest Ever Gig

The Bay City Rollers - loved by millions

The largest live concert ever performed was by the Bay City Rollers in 1974, when the band played to a crowd of over two million people  on a specially-constructed off-shore island in the Carribean.

The Most Expensive Film of All Time

This hugely expensive special effects spectacular sadly bombed at the box office

The most expensive film ever made is 1972 production The Rats Are Coming! The Werewolves Are Here!, made by director Andy Milligan. The film cost a staggering $350 million to produce, mainly due to Milligan’s insistence on multiple takes of each scene, and the ground-breaking special effects used to stage spectacular fight scenes between werewolves and rats.

Unfortunately, the film was beset with post-production difficulties and distribution problems compounded by cinemas being unable to cope with the 360 degree projection format and live, hungry rats that were released in the theatre at key points in the film. The eventual box-office take was a disappointing $37.50.

 

The Tallest And The Shortest

Big Jim and Little Johnny make quite a team

The tallest man in the world is Big Jim Pigslugger of Akron, who stands an impressive 5ft 3in (1.61 metres) tall.

The world’s shortest man is John ‘ Johnny’ Phaal of Phuket, Thailand, who is a mere 5ft 1in (1.55 metres) in height.

The World’s Greatest Lover

And there's more - in his pants

The title of World’s Greatest Lover is often open to debate, but most experts agree that it is Irish comedian Jimmy Cricket, 64, who is estimated to have bedded over 10,000 women, beating Bernard Manning’s record by an astonishing 10,000. Cricket, who currently lives in a Hollywood mansion surrounded by teenage models, puts his success down to his sensitivity and romantic nature. And a very large penis.

World’s Tallest Building

The view from the top floor is impressive

Completed in 1955, the tallest building in the world is located in the English town of Oldham. The Ginster Tower stands eleventeen thousand feet tall, and it takes three days for the elevator to reach the top floor, where pressure suits, oxygen masks and weighted shoes are required – this floor is currently home to HSBC’s customer complaints department, where face-to-face enquiries are dealt with. At present, the elevator is out of order (having broken down in 1956) and staff on the higher floors now reside there permanently, breeding new generations of feral subhumans who communicate with the outside world only through computer-generated form letters and final demands.

The building is a popular landmark  and tourist attraction in Oldham, and has featured on the local currency (the Groat), although some locals complain that it is a filthy eyesore since the cleaning contract with NASA expired in 1987. It is also a favourite suicide hotspot, with approximately 167, 503 people having killed themselves by jumping from various floors.