We Have Returned!

Arthur St John Bodysnatcher is escorted to prison by four burly Siberian guards

It’s been some months since the last Big Book of Lies entry, and we feel that you are owed an explanation. It’s a dark and sordid tale…

In January, Big Book of Lies founder Arthur St John Bodysnatcher was arrested by police on the Turkish / Australian border, as he heroically attempted to smuggle fifty politically oppressed Marmosets out of Brazil. Sentenced to 427 years in prison, he found himself captive in a Siberian hellhole, where he survived by teaching inmates how to build working models of Brian Blessed from mashed potatoes and sweat. He also trained a local eagle to carry a message to Lies co-founder Jabber Grimshaw, who immediately began work on a tunnel that would stretch from Lies HQ in Scunthorpe to the walls of St John Bodysnatcher’s cell.

This task was completed in July, and our heroes sprang to freedom (though sadly, the fate of the Marmosets remains unknown). After a stiff cup of tea, St John Bodysnatcher declared that his important educational work found here should continue. And so it shall. Stay tuned for more amazing facts and figures, all entirely inaccurate.

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Bananas – the Silent Killer

Bananas are the new weapon of choice for criminal gangs

Bananas are the world’s deadliest fruit.

The lethal fruit is favoured by Brazilian street gangs who use it to stab their victims, and its use has recently begun to spread across the world. The banana is popular not only for its lethal sharp ends and ergonomic nature, but also because  eating the banana often destroys all evidence of a crime, while the slippery skin can be used to slow down persuading law-enforcement officers.

Several attempts have been made to outlaw the sale of bananas, but only in Britain – where the fruit is illegal to sell to under 18’s and where the carrying of concealed bananas can result in three years in prison – has this been at all successful, thanks to a vocal and politically powerful Banana lobby.