The Big Book of Lies

It's not big and it's not a book

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    Impress your friends and startle your enemies with a never-ending* series of incredible facts, figures and news reports, all of which are COMPLETELY UNTRUE! Why waste time on the truth when complete rubbish is so much more interesting?

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  • Credit where Credit is Due

    With thanks and credit to Monty Python and The Hackenthorpe Book of Lies (p.74, The Brand New Monty Python Bok), which amused me immensely as a teenager and eventually helped inspire the site you are reading now. Not an ENTIRELY wasted youth then.

Posts Tagged ‘Britain’

The World’s Richest Man

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on November 6, 2011

Birkin has been known to spend money on trivial things

The richest man in the world has been confirmed as Stanley Birkin of Cleethorpes, England.

Birkin has an estimated £7000 (US$17) in his building society account and also owns his own terraced house and second hand car.Information about how he achieved such great wealth is hard to come by, with many speculating that he is involved with the criminal underworld.

He is frequently the subject of global protest, especially after it was revealed that he buys fast food as often as twice a week, blowing as much as £7 (US$500) each time.

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Posted in Facts and Figures, Politics, World Records | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The Most Popular Names of 2008

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 8, 2009

British youth

Cecil, Timmy and Scrotum discuss philosophy

The most popular children’s names in Britain during 2008 were:

Boys: Gervase, Cecil, Chavvy, Igor and Ignatious
Girls: Gertrude, Fritzl, Tracie-Kerry-Kylie-Beyonce, Ethel and Tart

This is the first time since 1974 that Troll has dropped out of the top five for both sexes. However, cultural historian Fifi Maleria-Jones commented that the ever-popular traditional British name was sure to make a comeback in a few years.

Posted in Facts and Figures, National Trends | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Nosferatu Was Part Of The British Government

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 4, 2009

 

Graf Orlak

Graf Orlak lives on the blood of the innocent

Vampire Graf Orlok – thought by many to be a non de plume for Count Dracula – served in Britain’s Conservative government throughout the 1980s.  The Nosferatu was one of Prime Minsister Margaret Thatcher’s most trusted aides, and would ruthlessly despatch dissenters in the government, many of whom would emerge from meetings with Orlak looking pale and drawn, their arguments suddenly replaced by unquestioning obedience and the desire to eat flies.

Orlak was a controversial figure, no more so than when he told the unemployed to ‘get on your bikes and cycle up to my Castle in Transylvania after dark’. In 1987, he was attacked by vampire hunters, who managed to impale him on a wooden stake; however, before they could cut off his head and stuff garlic in his mouth, he was rescued by police officers – the police force being his most ardent supporters.

After this attack, Orlak retired from politics and moved to Bournemeouth, where he lives quietly (although neighbours have complained about plagues of rats and missing children since his arrival).

Posted in Celebrity, Death, Horror, Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The Royal Family are Aliens

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 3, 2009

Ming the Merciless

Ming the Merciless is seventh in line for the British throne

Britain’s Royal Family are descended from aliens.

Queen Elizabeth II, her ill-informed, gobby son and the rest of the royal pack – both legitimate and otherwise – can trace their lineage back to invading Venusians in 1765. The aliens landed in Britain and kidnapped George III, forcing him to procreate with the Venusian Queen. The couple eventually fell in love, and moved back to Earth, where her offspring eventually inherited the British throne.

The British-Venusian Royal connection was severed when the reigning Vensuian Queen Minginella converted to Catholicism in 1843. In more recent years, however, the Venusians have reverted back to their original faith and so are now a full part of the royal lineage again.

Posted in History, Politics, Religion | Tagged: , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Bananas – the Silent Killer

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 1, 2009

Deadly Bananas

Bananas are the new weapon of choice for criminal gangs

Bananas are the world’s deadliest fruit.

The lethal fruit is favoured by Brazilian street gangs who use it to stab their victims, and its use has recently begun to spread across the world. The banana is popular not only for its lethal sharp ends and ergonomic nature, but also because  eating the banana often destroys all evidence of a crime, while the slippery skin can be used to slow down persuading law-enforcement officers.

Several attempts have been made to outlaw the sale of bananas, but only in Britain – where the fruit is illegal to sell to under 18’s and where the carrying of concealed bananas can result in three years in prison – has this been at all successful, thanks to a vocal and politically powerful Banana lobby.

Posted in Crime, Death, Food and Drink, National Trends | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The Origins of Cockney Speak

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on November 29, 2009

pearly king and queen

Cockernis had a primitive facination with shiny objects

Cockney Rhyming Slang was invented in 1974 by the CIA as a way of transmitting coded messages to agents across the world.

It was based loosely on the lost native language of the Cockerni tribe of East London, a small and inbred group of proto-humans that thrived in the Bronze Age. Cockernis were noted for their peculiar forms of native dance, which they would break into at the drop of a wallet, and their fascination for adorning their bodies with shiny beads and pebbles (or ‘pearls’ as they called them). The tribe was ruled over by a King and Queen, who were more often than not both brother and sister and husband and wife, and survived for many centuries before being wiped out in a violent civil war.

Posted in Crime, Folklore & Superstition, History | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Britain’s Worst Serial Killer

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on November 27, 2009

Georeg Formby, Britain's worst serial killer

One, Two, Formby's Coming For You...

Britain’s most notorious serial killer is George Formby, the Lancashire Slasher. Over a thirty year period, Formby carried out at least fifty murders, using a metal pipe that he would sinisterly call his “little stick of Blackpool rock”.

Formby used his job as a window cleaner to select his victims, spying on them to see if they were alone before breaking in and murdering them in their beds.

Most disturbing is the fact that Formby became a successful recording artist, and would make subtle references to his crimes within his songs. It was only when he released the rather too obvious I Am the Lancashire Slasher that he was apprehended.

In court, he blamed his crimes on a mysterious Chinaman named Mr Wu, who only he could see or hear. This defence was initially rejected, but after conviction, Formby’s mental state deteriorated, and he was confined to Broadmoor, where he still lives, aged 105.

Posted in Celebrity, Crime, Facts and Figures, Horror, Music | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

TV’s First Gay Kiss

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on November 26, 2009

Lord Reith, horror star and gay icon

Hello Big Boy!

The first gay kiss on British television occurred in 1936, when BBC founder Lord Reith – previously the star of silent horror classic Nosferatu – and cockney comic Max Miller engaged in a graphic five minute smooch during the controversial show Gracie Fields’ Fist of Fun. However, all copies of the show – alongside the equally ground-breaking Wee Frolics – were wiped during a purge in the 1950’s.

Posted in Art and Culture, Facts and Figures, Film and TV, Horror, Sexuality | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Britain’s Favourite Pet – the Dung Beetle

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on November 26, 2009

Britain's Favourite Pet - the Dung Beetle

Every home should have one!

For the third year in a row, the Dung Beetle is Britain’s most popular pet, with one in three homes having at least one of the industrious little creatures. Reasons cited for their popularity include the fact that they are easy to keep, affectionate and quiet. They are especially popular with the elderly and the incontinent.

The four other pets to rank highly this year are fleas, really big and aggressive dogs, Leprechauns and Belgians.

Posted in Facts and Figures, National Trends, Nature, Uncategorized | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »