The Big Book of Lies

It's not big and it's not a book

  • TIRED OF THE TRUTH?

    Impress your friends and startle your enemies with a never-ending* series of incredible facts, figures and news reports, all of which are COMPLETELY UNTRUE! Why waste time on the truth when complete rubbish is so much more interesting?

    We update DAILY* so come back and bone up on the latest in complete and utter bollocks regularly!

    * - this may also be a lie.

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  • Credit where Credit is Due

    With thanks and credit to Monty Python and The Hackenthorpe Book of Lies (p.74, The Brand New Monty Python Bok), which amused me immensely as a teenager and eventually helped inspire the site you are reading now. Not an ENTIRELY wasted youth then.

Posts Tagged ‘Crime’

Arthur St John Bodysnatcher Released from Prison

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on November 6, 2011

St John Bodysnatcher, watched over by prison guard 'Brutus'.

Big Book of Lies founder Arthur St John Bodysnatcher is at last free after spending 18 months in a Bolivian prison, having been falsely convicted of running a bare knuckle ocelot fighting ring. Kept under 24 hour guard to prevent his escape or possibly spreading eruditeness throughout the prison, St John Bodysnatcher was unable to communicate with Jabber Grimshaw and pass him the closely guarded Book of Lies password – also, as a functional illiterate and leading Mason, Grimshaw was incapable of maintaining the site in any case.

While still recovering from his ordeal, St John Bodysnatcher would like to assure his female admirers that he is determined to not allow this setback to slow him down, and is even now making plans for new, more extravagant lies, possibly performed live over the summer at top skiffle events.

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Posted in Bad Wisdom Info, Celebrity, Crime, World Events | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The World’s Richest Man

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on November 6, 2011

Birkin has been known to spend money on trivial things

The richest man in the world has been confirmed as Stanley Birkin of Cleethorpes, England.

Birkin has an estimated £7000 (US$17) in his building society account and also owns his own terraced house and second hand car.Information about how he achieved such great wealth is hard to come by, with many speculating that he is involved with the criminal underworld.

He is frequently the subject of global protest, especially after it was revealed that he buys fast food as often as twice a week, blowing as much as £7 (US$500) each time.

Posted in Facts and Figures, Politics, World Records | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Mass Murder Live on British TV

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on July 22, 2010

Geoffrey is caught on camera as he bludgeons his co-stars

In 1987, Rainbow presenter Geoffrey snapped during a live TV broadcast, and bludgeoned his co-stars Zippy, George and Bungle, as well as platinum-selling musical combo Rod, Jane and Freddie, before finally turning the hammer on himself. No reason has ever been given for the killings, which remained Britain’s worst children’s TV-related murder incident until the infamous Tinky Winky massacre ten years later.

The footage is now a popular staple on bloopers shows.

Posted in Celebrity, Crime, Film and TV | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

We Have Returned!

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on July 22, 2010

Arthur St John Bodysnatcher is escorted to prison by four burly Siberian guards

It’s been some months since the last Big Book of Lies entry, and we feel that you are owed an explanation. It’s a dark and sordid tale…

In January, Big Book of Lies founder Arthur St John Bodysnatcher was arrested by police on the Turkish / Australian border, as he heroically attempted to smuggle fifty politically oppressed Marmosets out of Brazil. Sentenced to 427 years in prison, he found himself captive in a Siberian hellhole, where he survived by teaching inmates how to build working models of Brian Blessed from mashed potatoes and sweat. He also trained a local eagle to carry a message to Lies co-founder Jabber Grimshaw, who immediately began work on a tunnel that would stretch from Lies HQ in Scunthorpe to the walls of St John Bodysnatcher’s cell.

This task was completed in July, and our heroes sprang to freedom (though sadly, the fate of the Marmosets remains unknown). After a stiff cup of tea, St John Bodysnatcher declared that his important educational work found here should continue. And so it shall. Stay tuned for more amazing facts and figures, all entirely inaccurate.

Posted in Bad Wisdom Info, Celebrity, Places, World Events | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The World’s Best Policeman

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 10, 2009

Baby Policeman

Charles Ballard is admired the world over

The world’s most decorated police officer is Charles Ballard, a seven month old baby from Bury, England.

Ballard has become respected for showing a maturity, intelligence and sense of decency rarely found in the police force, and has been awarded over twenty seven medals, citations and tankards by his superiors, council leaders, right wing tabloids and rehabilitated offenders.

Ballard is especially proud of the fact that under his watch, only twelve prisoners have mysteriously died in the cells.

Posted in Crime, Facts and Figures, World Records | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

The Tinky Winky BBC Massacre

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 2, 2009

Tinky Winky on the rampage

Tinky Winky was a gun-obsessed coke fiend

The worst massacre in the bloody history of children’s television came in 1997, when Teletubby Tinky Winky went on a PCP-fuelled rampage, killing six and injuring dozens more.

The masscare began when it was announced that the Teletubbies TV series was to be cancelled. Tinky Winky, who in addition to having a serious cocaine habit was known as a ‘gun nut’ and loose cannon, began to panic about how he would pay for his expensive lifestyle and huge gambling debts, believing that the successful series had effectively typecast him.

After a day of drinking and drug-taking, the deranged Tubby entered the BBC’s headquarters and opened fire at random. Ironically, among those killed was the now-retired Andy Pandy, who was at the studios to be interviewed for an episode of World’s Greatest Wooden Puppets, and who was one of Tinky Winky’s idols.

Eventually, after a five hour standoff with police, Tinky Winky took his own life. The case later led to new government legislation that banned furry children’s TV characters from owning handguns.

Posted in Celebrity, Crime, Death, Film and TV, World Events | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment »

Bananas – the Silent Killer

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 1, 2009

Deadly Bananas

Bananas are the new weapon of choice for criminal gangs

Bananas are the world’s deadliest fruit.

The lethal fruit is favoured by Brazilian street gangs who use it to stab their victims, and its use has recently begun to spread across the world. The banana is popular not only for its lethal sharp ends and ergonomic nature, but also because  eating the banana often destroys all evidence of a crime, while the slippery skin can be used to slow down persuading law-enforcement officers.

Several attempts have been made to outlaw the sale of bananas, but only in Britain – where the fruit is illegal to sell to under 18’s and where the carrying of concealed bananas can result in three years in prison – has this been at all successful, thanks to a vocal and politically powerful Banana lobby.

Posted in Crime, Death, Food and Drink, National Trends | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »