The Big Book of Lies

It's not big and it's not a book

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    Impress your friends and startle your enemies with a never-ending* series of incredible facts, figures and news reports, all of which are COMPLETELY UNTRUE! Why waste time on the truth when complete rubbish is so much more interesting?

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  • Credit where Credit is Due

    With thanks and credit to Monty Python and The Hackenthorpe Book of Lies (p.74, The Brand New Monty Python Bok), which amused me immensely as a teenager and eventually helped inspire the site you are reading now. Not an ENTIRELY wasted youth then.

Posts Tagged ‘Politics’

The National Drink of Wales

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on July 22, 2010

Sambuca is the official drink of Wales, as decreed by the Welsh Assembly in 2003 during a particularly memorable sitting. Over five thousand bottles of of Sambuca – including the rare Off-Brown Sambuca and the popular Leek flavour – are consumed every hour in Wales, where it is particularly popular with children and the homeless.

Posted in Facts and Figures, Food and Drink, National Trends, Politics | Tagged: , , , , | Leave a Comment »

We Have Returned!

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on July 22, 2010

Arthur St John Bodysnatcher is escorted to prison by four burly Siberian guards

It’s been some months since the last Big Book of Lies entry, and we feel that you are owed an explanation. It’s a dark and sordid tale…

In January, Big Book of Lies founder Arthur St John Bodysnatcher was arrested by police on the Turkish / Australian border, as he heroically attempted to smuggle fifty politically oppressed Marmosets out of Brazil. Sentenced to 427 years in prison, he found himself captive in a Siberian hellhole, where he survived by teaching inmates how to build working models of Brian Blessed from mashed potatoes and sweat. He also trained a local eagle to carry a message to Lies co-founder Jabber Grimshaw, who immediately began work on a tunnel that would stretch from Lies HQ in Scunthorpe to the walls of St John Bodysnatcher’s cell.

This task was completed in July, and our heroes sprang to freedom (though sadly, the fate of the Marmosets remains unknown). After a stiff cup of tea, St John Bodysnatcher declared that his important educational work found here should continue. And so it shall. Stay tuned for more amazing facts and figures, all entirely inaccurate.

Posted in Bad Wisdom Info, Celebrity, Places, World Events | Tagged: , , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

Nosferatu Was Part Of The British Government

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on December 4, 2009

 

Graf Orlak

Graf Orlak lives on the blood of the innocent

Vampire Graf Orlok – thought by many to be a non de plume for Count Dracula – served in Britain’s Conservative government throughout the 1980s.  The Nosferatu was one of Prime Minsister Margaret Thatcher’s most trusted aides, and would ruthlessly despatch dissenters in the government, many of whom would emerge from meetings with Orlak looking pale and drawn, their arguments suddenly replaced by unquestioning obedience and the desire to eat flies.

Orlak was a controversial figure, no more so than when he told the unemployed to ‘get on your bikes and cycle up to my Castle in Transylvania after dark’. In 1987, he was attacked by vampire hunters, who managed to impale him on a wooden stake; however, before they could cut off his head and stuff garlic in his mouth, he was rescued by police officers – the police force being his most ardent supporters.

After this attack, Orlak retired from politics and moved to Bournemeouth, where he lives quietly (although neighbours have complained about plagues of rats and missing children since his arrival).

Posted in Celebrity, Death, Horror, Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

President Mouse

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on November 25, 2009

The First Family of Bavaria

The First Family of Bavaria

The President of Bavaria is a mouse named Stan, who has held the position for twelve years.

Posted in Facts and Figures, Nature, Politics, World Events | Tagged: , , , | Leave a Comment »

Mexicans Love Crass

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on November 25, 2009

Crass - the choice of Mexican youth

Big in Mexico

The biggest selling record in Mexico is 1982 release How Does it Feel to be the Mother of a Thousand Dead – a tribute to Margaret Thatcher by anarcho-punk pioneers Crass, which sold over 10 million copies, keeping it in the charts for over two years (7 months at number one). The band made 73 appearances on top rated music show Basura de Pop para cretinos, which was broadcast 4 times a day to the pop-mad nation. However, Mexico’s biggest music act remains Toad the Wet Sprocket, who have sold over 200 million records so far.

Posted in Facts and Figures, Music, World Events | Tagged: , , , , , | Leave a Comment »

One Eyed Monsters

Posted by Arthur St John Bodysnatcher on November 25, 2009

You looking at me?

Both British Prime Minister Gordon Brown and right wing BNP leader Nick Griffin lost an eye while engaged in the dangerous and illegal sport of marmoset wrestling. The sport was outlawed in 1977 after a series of underground ‘marmo-fight’ clubs were uncovered in Wales, where Brown and Griffin were living in a squat together, fighting for money to support their egg habits.

Posted in Crime, Nature, Politics | Tagged: , , , , , , , | Leave a Comment »